Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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