i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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