Don't you send me to vm
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
