so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
