he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I party with great urgency now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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