Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm going to jail i love you
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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