Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
