I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
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Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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