Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
