Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
