my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
