i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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