...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
