Moan for me like Helen Keller
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
