tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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