I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
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But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize