Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
