Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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