I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
