I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
