So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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