i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
