Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize