Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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