sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
