He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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