he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
