I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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