I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
