Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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