laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
3pm strippers are depressing
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
