I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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