You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
