in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
