I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
