you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
