when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
