I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
