You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
MIDGETS
????
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
