Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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