I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
