Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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