just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
