Can i not drive my cunt home
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
