apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
