so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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