is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
