Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
