Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize