The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We had to coat check the pizza.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
