I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
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i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize