It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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