I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
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FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
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If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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