It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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