Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he fucked my hip out of place.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
