True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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