Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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