He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
