Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my poor anus
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
